Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Who died my cat blue again?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
