I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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