she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
