i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
