I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
