why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
