I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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