Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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