My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
