I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My feet surprised me
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