Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
