i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
