Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
God I need to hump something, right now.
try to milk me bitch
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