Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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