I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
