I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
