Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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