Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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