Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
