I showed him my bush... on skype.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
