I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
me + whiskey = a bad person
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
