conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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