I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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