and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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