Where are you?
In a non slutty way
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
