I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
