Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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