I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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