update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
