Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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