Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
