Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
