put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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