Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
