Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
