Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
