Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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