I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
