Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
