dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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