I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
