How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
