I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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