You can't special order awesome
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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