More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
40s are totally the cure
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
