No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
