Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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