today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
