i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
