if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
