The maid of honor just puked.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
