but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
