saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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