If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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