Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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